Day 210: An End unto a Beginning

What is it about control?

I didn't realize I had control issues until the past week. Actually, I rather suspected I had some control issues, but never pinned a label on myself and accepted the title of "Control Freak." In so many areas, I have worked hard to yield my desire to dominate and control to my husband, my employers, etc. and have succeeded in many ways... save one.

Food.

This past week, I have taken an extreme plunge into weight loss and have made some serious commitments and life changes (which I will detail later), but that is not what I want to focus on first. I want to explore the lies we (me specifically) tell ourselves about food and our relationship with it.

Last week, I underwent a full panel of medical tests and behavioral analysis in preparation for my next step in the Ruth Cooper Project. Everything seemed to be going well and, being a huge fan of The Biggest Loser, I kept flashing to the many contestants I'd seen as they underwent the same type of testing and evaluation I was undergoing and wondering why it was that so many of them ended up in tears as they spoke of the life circumstances that led them to gain as much as they had.

As the testing drew to a close, I began to congratulate myself on having had no emotional breakdown. All answers were given clearly, succinctly; my personal medical knowledge made it easier for the nurses and doctors to explain issues to me; no tests returned unexpected results - everything was wonderful.

And then I sat down with the primary doctor to go over my file and tests. Very matter-of-factly, she asked brief questions about my relationship with food. Some questions I picked out immediately as being psych profiling and in other questions, I recognized information I'd previously supplied coming back at me in odd ways. None of this caught me off guard or surprised me until she asked me a couple of questions.

The first question had to do with self-esteem and did I eat to make myself feel better or use food to reward my actions. I had to answer yes. Was anyone expressing dissatisfaction with my weight? No. All my self-loathing in this area came directly from me - no one, family member or friend, had ever mentioned how heavy I was. Shocked, I watched her type the term "self abuse" into her notes. Was that true? Was I really abusing myself? I had never before thought of what I was doing in "clinical" terms.

The questions continued and I could feel a bit of emotional shock. Did I eat differently when alone? Yes. I had recently started eating "normally" around other people (including Jason) and eating out-of-control when no one was watching. Did I hide food? At this, my brain felt as if it had stopped working. I'd never really thought of it as hiding food. A donut eaten before arriving at home. A candy bar placed under my desk so Jason wouldn't find it. A piece of chocolate cake smuggled home and never mentioned. Granted, this was a recent occurrence, but that shouldn't be happening at all!

The doctor continued typing and I could feel remorse welling up inside me, thinking about the poor eating decisions I had made over the past two years. A pause in the typing and she turned to me, mentioning that even though I had a dislike of medications and had eschewed them for my whole life, I was still self medicating. I nodded and responded that I had been doing it with food. Perhaps she was looking for a bit of denial because she pressed in and likened the overeating with "food-crack". Again, I agreed quickly, stating that I could see how that would be an appropriate analogy. My guess is that many patients there are still in denial about how they use food and why they overeat... I'd spent too much time thinking about how I got here... and the doctor said that was a good thing.

I have used food because I wanted to be in control; food was the ONE thing in my life I COULD control and I abused that power over and over.

I got married and suddenly, there was no check or accountability on what I could eat or have in the house - after all, I was the one making dinner and shopping for groceries. This weak start in the self-control department only spiraled as God shaped my life (and as I fought against it by eating).

With so many major life changes over the past three years - engagement, wedding planning, honeymoon, marriage, one child, house purchase and move, second child (and, yes, all this has happened in the past three years) - my self-absorbed response to all these changes I could not (keyword here) CONTROL, was to alter the thing I could control and that was my eating.

I controlled it, all right... I controlled to the point where I now weigh 120 pounds more than I did the day I got married two-and-a-half years ago!

Again, I truly didn't realize just how bad I've been until Jason asked me the other day to throw out or give away ALL foods in the house that would not be permitted on our new diet (and that Peter and Mikey won't eat). I fought his request strongly, even with tears. Then God graciously revealed the truth of this conflict: my desire to keep food in the house was because I still wanted to keep some control over my food. At that dawning of truth, I broke and realized I was a control freak and at the very heart of every matter was a refusal to yield either to God or my husband. As long as I had food to control, I would fairly easily comply with requests and directives... and pride myself on being "flexible."

Since last Thursday, when all this began, mine has been a life turned up-side-down. But then again, isn't that when God is able to move in interesting and wonderful ways.

Now, the food is gone and I am, perhaps for the first time in my life, ready to seek new methods for coping with life's stresses.

Day 37: I Belly Survived Wipe-out Wednesday!

If Malevolent Mondays are a thing to be dreaded and Tortuous Tuesdays cannot be avoided, what can possibly be done to weather Wipe-out Wednesdays?! Since today marks the half-way point of my second week of diligently working out (weight training and cardio) and the second week of the Flat Belly Diet, I thought it only fitting you should get a glimpse into my middle-of-the-week Hump-day (as Jason calls it).

Today was very nearly a complete disaster! My sweet little boy caught something nasty somewhere and, in the process of tending to his little (often whiny) needs, his germs felt they should play war with my white blood cells - thus the feeling icky this week, particularly today.

And yet, in the face of such adverse conditions, I've managed to haul my reluctant body to the gym each day. My ultimate goal is to work out five days a week (in the early morning), alternating weight training with cardio exercises AND doing at least a 30-minute walk each day. Last week, I got in four days and walked quite a bit on the fifth day while doing errands.

So... what factors force me to leave my lovely home into the unfriendly atmosphere of the gym? First, I know somewhere in the anklebone of my heart that I will feel better after having exercised. Second, the blog creates such a burden of responsibility on me, I feel obligated to go. Third, I have an amazing husband who is dedicated to my pursuit of weight loss and it is he who frequently encourages and gently kicks me out the door to do the thing I know I must. Lastly, I am still in awe of the reader(s) who paid for our YMCA membership... I owe you and, so far, the only way I can repay you is by constant dedication to working out regularly.

Food? You know, with this diet, I have become painfully aware that most, if not all, of my eating happens from non-hunger influences. I like to eat when I'm bored, upset, stressed, exhausted, depressed, celebratory... the list goes on. Even though my diet has a snack available, I am still amazed at how much I want to eat - not need to eat; want to eat.

Today was very nearly a disaster because of that. I wasn't feeling great, had been listening to kids whine all day, didn't get the stuff done I'd hoped for, and just wanted to sit around and do nothing. Would you believe it? The one bottom-line factor that kept me from indulging in an extra handful of chocolate and more breakfast bars (or worse) was the knowledge that I would have to post at the end of the day... and I, as sure as all that is yummy, did not want to post a failure.

When you get tempted to eat more food; run away and refocus. This whole self-control thing is NOT fun anymore!

Oh. And one more cool little fact: I lost 2.48% of my weight this past week. Unfortunately, had I been on Week 1 of The Biggest Loser, I would have fallen below the yellow line - the lowest was 4.75%.

Week 6: Running Amok with [Insert Temptation Here]

Glancing at the aunts behind her, the eleven-year-old girl pushed on the exit door of the Old Country Buffet. The odors of warm and inviting food gave way to the crisp, invigorating scents of fall air and the brisk liveliness of the outdoors.

Pronouncements of satisfaction and delight filled the air as the two older women relived their recent dessert experience and lovingly patted those body parts where those extra calories would soon gather.

"A moment on the lips; a lifetime on the hips."

This foreign adage fell on the little girl's ear and, after learning the meaning of that phrase, solemnly announced to the amused aunts that she didn't gain weight down there. Despite their comments to the contrary ("Just wait until you get older"), the little girl was quite positive she never would.

And the aunts laughed.

Well... that day was about... hmm... yes, well... a while back. And that little girl was I. I saw what older women looked like and where they put on extra poundage. After eleven years of deep experience and minimal weight gain, I was also equally sure I would NEVER look like that nor accumulate weight in my hips and derriere; NEVER!

Alas. As the years have passed, not only has the surplus of emergency reserve clung to my hips, it has also padded that which I sit upon, increased the circumference of my arms, added to my jawline, filled out my stomach, obscured my waist, and hidden the natural contours of my legs. To my chagrin, the aunts were right. Thus, from a childhood memory, a hackneyed phrase, and something I'd recently read, an insight was born.

How many times has the following happened to you? You're either on a diet, or have been doing SO well, and one day you mess up. How often do you throw the entire plan out the window? Become depressed? Despondent? What do you do when in the depths of dietary despair? Cry? Eat? Watch depressing chick flicks? Eat? Whine to your friends? Eat? Make new resolutions? Eat? Re-write your entire diet plan from the beginning? Eat?

Personally, my "excuse" to end any diet has always been to mess up just once, give up in despair, eat every yummy thing in sight, and sink into massive depression as I scroll through my mental slide-show of Svelte Me; tears streaming because I don't look like what I think I should look like... and never will. ::sigh::

Been there? I'm sure most of of us have been at this point at least once in our lives; at least once.

Okay. So you ate that Hershey's Kiss. Oops. You didn't work out at the gym today(!). Gasp. You ate the WHOLE cheesecake?! And what do you mean, there are 48 servings in that sheet of gooey carrot cake?! Are these reasons to give up on your weight-loss or fitness goal? Is any one of these a sufficient reason to get depressed and go on a week-long eating binge? Which of the above is the unpardonable sin that will forever separate you from thin bliss?

News flash. Just one mess-up is NOT going to ruin your life. And at the risk of puncturing self-pity bubbles and dismembering personal food fest plans, I shall state this again (this time in bold): Just one mistake is NOT going to ruin your life.

Switch your focus from the small to the large picture. Don't look at the mistake and fall into a vicious cycle of self-condemnation and self-loathing. Don't take your tear-stained cheeks to IHOP. Don't try to end all your good intentions by stuffing your head in the nearest cookie jar. Instead, admit you made a mistake, ask yourself (and whomever else) for forgiveness, and get right back on track.

Think objectively. If you suddenly snapped one late afternoon or evening and gobbled down a whole handful of chocolate or inhaled a slice of pizza or lost yourself in a glass of soda, yet everything else with your eating and exercise was fine - this was your only mistake - what would the damage be? Honestly, not that much!

From a physical/mathematical standpoint, what's the worst thing that just happened? Um... you ate an extra couple hundred calories. Do you realize that the average human burns 2000-2500 calories PER DAY; not including specific exercise! One larger-calorie meal in the midst of smaller meals will be treated by your body as an anomaly instead of the norm. Drink some extra water and maybe eat a little lighter the next meal... but don't give up and binge through the weekend.

Make sure your mistake doesn't turn a mistake of a few hundred calories into a several-thousand-calorie mistake! It's not worth it. By nipping your slip-up immediately, chances are you'll never see lasting side effects from your mistake.

The true price that tends to be paid with dieting "cheats" or "slip-ups" or mistakes is paid in emotions. The guilt we lay on ourselves is enormous; it does far more harm than we realize. Remember: the link between guilty depression and comfort eating is a fairly reliable one. So be prepared to fight.

Do yourself (and others) a favor - take a little responsibility and catch your mistakes while they are yet small and do it in a be-kind-to-yourself way. In so doing, you will keep them from ruining your life and will help you maintain self-control.

After all, real life is not like a regimented diet. The more self-control and moderation practiced throughout the assigned diet period, the more likely you will be able to take those skills and apply them to normal eating and living.

Think life change; not diet.

(photo courtesy of www.babble.com)

Day 29: Farewell, Jelly Belly

And so it has come, yet once again - that time of week where I publish my updated status.

Some numbers will be a little different as you may guess from yesterday's post. Honesty on the scale has set me back a bit in my ultimate goal and so the numbers are not as "whee-hee" as I had hoped... but they are honest. ::satisfied smile::

Days remaining: 193
Pounds remaining: 153.0
Inches lost/gained: -2.25 inches
Pounds lost/gained: +7.50 pounds

So, it would seem that in spite of the 7.5 pounds the evil little scale has generously added back to my frame (!), my overall size has diminished. I was certainly NOT expecting a loss of 2.25 inches over the past week! Only one area, my neck, increased. The other 11 areas lost inches or remained steady. God is so good!

This week, Jason and I have undertaken a new plan for losing weight. It involves an actual diet plan, working out, and some serious inch/weight loss. But more about that tomorrow.

For now, know that I am feeling more energetic, physically lighter, and clearer in thought. For the first time in the past 29 days, I actually have a scintilla of hope that I will be able to reach my ultimate goal.